Wednesday, October 16, 2013

New Format: All Fastball All the Time - Fire Escape

The Beatles said they were bigger than Jesus. MC Hammer said that he made Jackson Pollack look like Norman Rockwell. Samuel Adams said he was the white Paul Revere. Fastball stayed humble. They didn't make the mistakes of those artists whose careers were ultimately ruined by hubris.

"I don't want to be president, Superman, or Clark Kent." That is the first line of this song. While the line is entirely nonsensical, it does imply some sort of modesty. Fastball just want to be themselves; they just want to personify the rain that comes down, impregnates Danae, and looks through your window from your fire escape.

What Fastball wants, though, is irrelevant. They weren't defeated by hubris, but the opposite. They were too down to earth. So down to earth that fans had direct access to them and their bodies.

Fire Escape by Fastball:

This video was shot in my house using much of my homemade Fastball paraphernalia. It depicts a women/Fastball super fan who surrounds herself with Fastball stuff and is so obsessed with them that she kills them and keeps their corpses around the house. Yesterday I talked about how Fastball is dead and is making music videos in memoriam. I had a few ideas of how they died, but now we know.

The video opens with this super fan/serial killer getting ready for her day.

She is wearing a Fastball shirt and drinking out of a Fastball mug.

Fastball is on her TV ostensibly playing the "real" video for Fire Escape.

Wait, is the guitar player singing? What about the bass player's ego? Maybe the bass player hired this woman to kill the whole band, he was so mad.

The super fan's friend messages her asking what happened to Fastball. She is using some sort of instant messaging program that people used to use in the ancient days of the internet before everyone used gchat. Wait a second, is that a chat room?

Looking at this, maybe Fastball did perish of hubris. I have a strong feeling that nothing having to do with Fastball was ever "all over the news." Also, ALL CAPS is very early internet.

The super fan ruins any surprise that might be in the video by revealing that they are all dead in her house. Maybe she's joking, though. That would be a funny joke, right?

I think the super fan might be a bit of a sociopath. Yeah, anyone might kill their favorite band and leave their bodies around her house, but look at this face she is making:

And she's making it while working out and looking at this picture:

This picture features the drummer way too prominently. Who gives a shit about that guy? Do you know his name? I don't. I'm not 100% positive that Fastball even bothered to give him a name. Why would you ever need to refer to him?

We see that the super fan had access to Fastball.

She is so excited. And Fastball is so excited that she is excited.

Too bad things didn't work out. Here is the bass players body.

So peaceful.

I have no idea whose body this is:

Wait, were Fastball zombies and that why she killed them? In that case she is a hero, not a killer. Unfortunately, many heroes who kill zombie hoards are prosecuted as killers because society is not willing to accept that zombies exist and walk among us.

Now the director of the video decided to show off that he went to college for this shit. He turns the camera upside down!

WHOOOOOOAAAAAA! I don't get it.

We get a clear shot of the bottom of the super fan's shoes next. Things are getting a little bit weird.

Wait a second, are those taps on her shoes? This woman is crazy!

Now there is a shot of that dude from Entertainment Tonight (I believe his name is Glasses McMustache) talking about how Fastball is missing. He makes a joke about their song The Way. Haha! Puns.

They stop the song for this hilarious joke. I hate this. Just keep the song going! We care about the song!

We see the guitar player is dead, too.

That means that one guy who was dead earlier must have been the drummer. This is the power of deductive reasoning. We should be teaching our children deductive reasoning.

The super fan opens her closet door and chickens run out. She must keep them in their for Danzig-style rituals.


Super fan:

She also has a little shrine to Fastball set up in there, which is really weird when her whole house is like a shrine. This part is a little weird. Shouldn't she be using their bodies in the rituals and not just their pictures? (Note to self: learn more about voodoo.)

Her ablutions and morning routines finished, she goes out to start her car/day. But the car won't start!

At this point Fastball decides to ruin the whole video by breaking the fourth wall.

Why would they do this? Are they worried that we might think they are actually dead? If that is the case, why would they make that video for Out of My Head that clearly states that they died? Do they think that is funny? Haha! Hahahahaha. Ha. Wait, maybe they heard the term "post modern" and are trying to implement it in their lives. No matter what the reason, I wish the video ended with the super fan getting into her car and driving away to a normal day at her job. Then I'd be happy.

As it is, I'm so mad about this that I'm done with Fastball. I declare that starting tomorrow we will scrap this new format and return to writing about non-Fastball bands who can get through a video without ruining it. RUINERS!


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