Thursday, December 26, 2013

Sartorial Sursday: It's Tailoring Time - Losing You by Solange

It has been pointed out to me (remember, aspiring writers: passive voice makes you sound super smart [I mean: You are made to sound super smart by passive voice]) that my recently introduced feature, Sartorial Sursday, has not been effectively living up to its name. First off, Sursday isn't "technically" a day of the week. Secondly, satorial means "of or having to do with tailoring," (I'd like to cite my source, my 8th grade vocabulary book, but I have no idea what it was called. Let's go with Vocab Up Your Ass.) but I have not really discussed the cut of clothing or the quality of the stitching in my posts.

I'd like to address these criticisms head on. I believe it was Gandhi who said, "I'd love to convince you that I am right with words, but it is generally easier to hunger strike." Truer words have never (ever!) been spoken, but I get headaches when I am hungry so I'll try to explain myself using English words typed on a computer and transferred, through world-wide-web-related magic, to your computer screen to be read using your eye-grapes.

Point number 1: The existence of "Sursday" as a day of the week. Now, if you look at most of the calendars "the man" wants you to use, you will not find Sursday listed. I did not invent it, though. I stole it from the musician Peacey P whose album perpetually "drops next Sursdai." Once two people use an English word it instantly becomes legit and we can expect to see it in the next edition of the Oxford English dictionary which I believe will drop next Sursday.

Point number the second: Actually writing about tailoring. This is difficult for me because I don't know anything about tailoring. I know that Motel Kamzoil was a tailor and that the emperor isn't wearing clothes but that barely makes me expert enough to write an article for I will endeavor to do my best, though, by writing about a music video that is about tailoring.

Does such a thing exist, you ask? Sort of. Losing You by Solange:

Specifically take a look at this:

See! The video takes place at a tailoring shop. This post is decidedly on topic! Yes! I'm finally doing it!

Now, on to the history of the saxophone. The saxophone was invented in 1840 by Adolphe Phone. He also famously invented the other instruments in the phone family, the sousaphone and the xylophone. The saxophone, commonly associated with the homeless and filthy, was legitimized in 1992 when Bill Clinton became the first person to play saxophone while wearing a suit. Many people took note of it and started dressing better, frequently wearing tailored clothing. (More details can be found in the Norton Anthology of Saxophone Histories, volumes 1 - 4, and 6. DO NOT read volume 5.)

Eventually Solange discovered this and made a music video while wearing a suit and was joined by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Okay, I think we are back on track. Tailoring. I'm not super interested in the outfit shown here, although it is quite Christmas-y. (Yes, I am fighting the war on Holiday. Have a great Christmas this January 1, January 20, and July 4. It is offensive to call those days Holidays. They are Christmas.)

Whoops, almost got lost again. Tailoring! Look at this:

Try to ignore those two nattily dressed gentlemen. Look at Solange. First of all, long sleeves and shorts are usually a misteak. I mean, mistake. I don't even think you can call those shorts because they don't have any leg sections. I think it would be more appropriate to call them "parts coverers". Also, those are some high waisted parts coverers! I did some research and discovered that Solange is a mother so those must be the parts coverer equivalent of mom jeans. Crazy.

Next, look at this:

It is vital to match your outfit to the wallpaper, even if the wallpaper is made out of magazine covers. Solange is clashing here and that is a major faux pas.

Next week we'll see if I can include a little tailoring again on Sartorial Sursday. In the meantime, look forward to an exciting edition of Free-for-all Friday tomorrow.


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